PROOF OF HIS LOVE

“I don’t know. There’s like this wall between us that I can’t break through. I just can’t feel His love anymore.”

My two incredible friends, sitting in the front seat of the car as we took twists and turns along the mountain path, did not seem at all concerned by my statement. They were not horrified by my proclamation, wondering how a person like this had ever been called to serve the youth of our church.

No, rather, they expressed their understanding. And their love. And their advice. And their quiet belief that I would be able to get through this.

It was good that there was at least someone who was believing it, because I was not.

I believed in this Gospel, the docterine it teaches, its comforting truths about family and salvation, and knew what a blessing it was in my life. I cannot thank my Savior and Heavenly Father enough for allowing me to born into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have been eternally changed, blessed, shaped, protected, uplifted, and taught in this Gospel. Because of it, I knew Them.

However, that was exactly where my questioning was coming from. Where the wall had been erected. I knew They were there, but I could not feel it. Which led me to wonder, had I done something wrong? Or, was I the one person on earth They were choosing not to listen to?

When my sweet friend in the car asked me how long this had been going on for, I had to admit that it had been months. Months with this fog. Months with this haze. Months with this utter feeling of loneliness.

I had begged the Lord for guidance. A road map to be able to feel Him, again. A game plan. Some sort of next step to take.

And nothing was coming.

Until that moment, when a prompting I was terrified to follow encouraged me to ask my friends for their take on the situation. Which had left me embarrassed, crying in the back of a car, trying to dry the tears and the snot before we made it back to the food prep team. It didn’t seem likely that the kids out on Trek would enjoy tears in their potato salad.

And yet, even with all of that love, support, and guidance, I couldn’t feel Him. I still couldn’t feel Him.

And after months of not being able to, I was worn down. And tired. And feeling all kinds of broken.

But, by sheer willpower and grit, I kept trying, and eventually, the answer came to me all at once, and in a powerful way. His love had always been there, it was just not coming in the neat box I expected it to. As I asked Him to open my eyes, and to help me to see, it became so clear.

His love was in the words of those who loved me.

I am so terrible at taking compliments, a trait I inherited from Mamma Mia. I never believe it when someone has something kind to say, always taking it as just that. Something kind, but not entirely truthful.

I’m much better at internalizing the moments when people, sometimes unknowingly, poke at my greatest insecurities.

But, I could feel the Lord telling me to believe. To believe the people who loved me so well, who knew the real me. To choose to see that those words weren’t just coming from them, they were coming from Him.

So, that’s what I did. And it changed everything. I chose to believe it:

When a man I respect and admire stopped me in the hallway at church to inform me, “I’ve been reading your blog. I was astonished by what an incredible writer you are.”

When a woman who gives the very best hugs informed me that one of my posts moved her to tears. In a good way. I requested that clarification 😉

When the friend I thought I was failing texted, “You are such a good friend, Ellie.”

When a woman who literally always brings a smile to my face, and who sat through a long dating vent session by yours truly, said, “You’re great. The Lord has a plan for you.”

When another woman I have come to just adore texted me, “I love you, Ellie. You are my example and my inspiration.”

When my younger brother reminded me, “You are a great daughter and sister.”

When my amazing sister-in-law, someone who has turned into one of my greatest friends, had the audacity to tell me that I was the amazing one.

After a long week of Trek, when an old friend gave me a hug and told me I had done a good job.

When my friend at the salon where I used to work spent my entire time there trying to make me smile when I was having a rough day, and later said, “You’re the best!”

When I called my Grandma, explaining that someone had me feel small earlier in the week, and after rattling off all of my accomplishments informed me, “You’re important to people, Ellie. The Lord has you right where He wants you.”

All the incredible people who texted me personally, or posted a review, telling me how much they loved my book.

And finally, and of course, just about every word my mom has said to me ever. I truly do not know what I would do without that woman. But as of late, her words that have affected me the most are, “I’m so glad you are here.”

I know, without a doubt, those big love notes from the people I can’t live without, were messages from Him, too. He put these people in my life to remind me of His love.

Right now, I am struggling to see the obvious signs of His hand in my life. However, as I look around me, I am beginning to see that these were the obvious signs. I believe I will one day again feel that deep connection to Him. I think sometimes, like any relationship, it just comes in waves. However, until then, I can’t deny that He loves me. Because He sent me so many great people that love me.

I’m going to do my best to believe their words, because somewhere, deep down in that part that knows they came from Him, I also know they are true.