THIRTY

Thirty.

That one word, has carried so many definitions over my short time on earth.

When I was younger, it felt so far away. It felt so old 😂 It was a true mark of adulthood. It carried dreams that I thought for sure were reality, only to find out upon arrival that they are dreams still yet to come.

As a teenager, influenced by the movie we all know and love, 13 Going on 30, I thought that my life would be filled with a lot more flirtations at this point. 😉

In my early to mid twenties, it felt like a curse. An insult to be thrown my way, reminding me of all I had not yet accomplished. Of how I had not yet measured up, and would measure up less still, if those achievements were not reached before the dreaded age.

And now, just days before I reach the age of thirty, the number, year, status, whatever you want to call it feels like…freedom.

One of my beloved friends said it best when she stated something along the lines of, “Thirty is great, because you no longer care about what others think. You are confident in who you are.”

I felt that in my soul when she said that. I was aching for that, I could feel it rushing towards me. This desire to feel content. To be happy with exactly where this life had taken me.

I spent far too much time in my twenties, trying to earn my place in this world. To prove that I had value and worth, and I placed that value and worth in all of the wrong places. Marriage, a career, schooling, all important and valuable goals in life, but not if the reasoning behind obtaining them is to impress those around you.

I have spent so much of my life in fear. Fear that I wasn’t meeting the mark. fear that I wasn’t making people proud, fear that I was making the wrong decisions, fear that I would never be enough for the people around me.

Even in the last eight months, I have felt it. That all consuming sense of despair, because certain milestones before the age of thirty were entirely out of reach.

And then…it just stopped. All at once, I couldn’t care less. I had confidence, not just in me, and my abilities and my achievements, but in Him. I had complete and total faith in Him, and because of that, I was truly free as I approached thirty.

Years nineteen to twenty-nine were some of the most difficult of my life, coming with trials I never thought possible. And many of those trials came because I didn’t truly know Him. I had a vision of this God, sitting on a throne, in constant disapproval of me. How could He be proud of me, when I was so, so far from perfect?

Those hardships, He used them for my good. They broke me, but every time He caught me. He proved to me who He really was. A loving Savior, one who understood just how much I was trying, who knew exactly what it felt like to be me. He showed me that I had never been alone, even though I’d felt so, often, in my time as a young adult.

He showed me the “why” behind everything, and the why was Him. His love for me. In all He asked me to do, it was not as a commanding presence, or a task master who watched and waited for me to slip up, but as a loving Savior who wanted what was best for me.

And, also as someone who knew me. Who knew how much I effort I was putting in, who could see how much I was changing, who was proud of me and the woman I had become. He didn’t measure me by the world’s standards, He measured me by His. And under that view, I was more than enough.

Imagine knowing that person. Imagine truly knowing that the Savior of the world was actively involved in your life. Imagine the grounding power that knowledge gives one in trials and in hopes unfulfilled and in questions. No longer does that leave one to wonder if their life truly has any meaning, but instead, gives it meaning in every twist and turn. It allows one to see, even if that complete sight comes a little later, that He truly does work it all for our good.

Fear no longer rules over my life, at least not as it did even five years ago. No, now I have a Savior along for this ride with me, because I let Him in. He is driving, and I know that as long as I’m trying my best, He will not let me go anywhere but where I need to. He has already taken me to places I couldn’t have believed possible, and fulfilled wishes I didn’t know I carried with me.

So, yeah, thirty feels pretty free. It feels pretty freeing to walk into a new decade with full faith in my Savior, and more faith in myself. I have confidence that I can try my very best, even if that look different at different points, and while I do so, He will direct my path. He will never leave me, He never has. We are truly in this together, and that gives me so much bravery as I move ahead.

Thirty. I’m so ready for it.