TRUSTING HIS TIMING

Six years ago, I woke up with a story in my head. I was maybe four months into my author journey, not even finished with my first draft of my first book. And yet, I was already feeling the deep pull to this new plot line, tempting me and calling me to begin placing its ink on the page.

However, I am loyal to a fault. I couldn’t just abandon my then current work in progress. I had to see it through. And, I’m actually incredibly grateful for this odd quirk of mine. I learned so much crafting my first novel, and even if it will never, ever see the light of day, it will always hold a special place in my heart.

As does the novel that followed it, the one that was presented to me in that odd window in between sleep and awake where everything is foggy and sticky, and dreams seem completely possible. Honestly, I have found the Lord speaks to me often in the moments where I am first coming to consciousness, it’s the only time the Spirit can fight through the constant, swirling, overthinking thoughts in my head.

Because, that’s what this story was. A gift from God. At the time, I was unaware of my process as a writer, of how ideas and characters came into being inside my chaotic mind. Six years later, I can say with one hundered percent accuracy that stories do not just appear in my head. They don’t pop into being, leaving me bewildered as to how I could possibly create the world I was just given a glimpse of. No, usually it’s one scene, a scene that plays in my head like a movie, taking me by the a hand and leading me through the rest of the adventure.

Not with What If?, the book of which we are currently speaking. Nope, with the plot already half-baked, the Lord deposited the tale of Hayley, Jason, Keisha, and Holt right into my brain, and we were off to the races.

Well, after I finished that first, horrible, beloved book, if you’ll recall 😉

And, one would think, if the Lord had gifted an author a story to write, if He’d presented them with a story He wanted them to tell, the journey of getting said story into the hands of readers would be a relatively smooth one, right? There would be no bumps, bends, or turns in the road. Rather, the leap of the words from my brain to the paperback page would be a seamless one.

Wrong. So wrong. Sweet, innocent Ellie could not have been more wrong. And, I’m so glad she was.

I took me a couple of years, a heartbreak, several disappointments, lots of picking myself up by my bootstraps, a whole lot of hard work, and timid faith in myself and the Lord to get What If? into a draft I felt comfortable sending out to the world.

What If? was, and is (spoiler alert), one of the most difficult books I have ever written. By the time I reached “the end” of the final draft, I was just done. I was ready to have it out of my hands, allowing me to move onto the next idea I had in my head, Reframed. I didn’t know if I actually liked the story of What If?, or at least the way I had crafted it, I was fearful that I did not actually like my main character, Hayley, and was positive a lot of the main components of the tale didn’t make sense, but I didn’t care.

I just wanted it to be done. I had fulfilled the Lord’s request of me, I’d put my fingers to the keyboard and forced myself through the gift He’d given me. I was done, I’d completed it, and I just wanted it to hurry up and get it published already. As was mentioned before,What If? was tied to a difficult time in my life, and I was desperate to shed myself of both that time period and the book.

So, it should come as a shock to none that What If? was picked up by exactly zero publishers. No one wanted the story that the author didn’t even know if she wanted herself.

Now, this was not my first go around with rejection. I had been through this rodeo before, and after waiting almost a year to hear back from the last company I’d sent my manuscript to, one might say I gave exactly zero hoots about whether or not What If? ever came to fruition.

Feeling like a huge failure, I put my unwanted story on the shelf, unable to even think about the task of picking it up again someday.

And yet? Here we are. Four years later, and I’m, again, swimming in this novel. This novel that I love. That’s right. I said it. I love What If?, and not just because it is story that I feel like the Lord gave to me, but because like all of the stories that have come before and after it, it is an extension of my relationship with Him. He and I are working on this book together, and just as He always does, He is using, and has used, this experience to teach me. To make me better. To make me happier.

I needed all parts of this hike that brought me to What If?. I needed the inspiration, the less-than-stellar first try, the books that came in between, the growth that happened along the way, and the relationship I developed with Him that literally tied me together through it all.

Without all that came before the start of this latest draft, I wouldn’t have been able to see how much I truly love this book. Or how grateful I am that He gave it to me. Or how much I have bettered my craft over the years I have spent becoming a real, bonified author. My confidence, my connection to Him, my outlook on life, all of it is making my second go at What If? so much better. I am so grateful for the chance to try again. Something I never thought I’d say.

So, if you managed to stick around for this entire trip down memory lane, good on you. This was a long one 😂

As a parting gift, I’d like to bear my testimony of the fact that we truly, really, fully can trust in Him and His timing. He loves us, that’s a fact that never changes. Sometimes when we are waiting, or confused by a curve in the road, or wondering why in the world we, specifically, were saddled with a particular trial, it can be hard to do that. To trust that He loves us, and that He really does know best. But, it’s true. I’ve lived it. I know it. He’s proven it to me, again.

So, some last words of advice from someone who can’t seem to stop learning the lesson? Trust in His Timing.

P.S. Though I love What If? once more, that bad boy needs a loooooootttt of work. So, sorry, Mom. Don’t be expecting a release anytime soon 😂