CHASING HOPE

Hope has been on my mind a lot, as of late. It can feel like such an elusive thing. Slippery and difficult to hold on to. Crafty, evading us when we feel we finally have it cornered. A foolish notion only the most optimistic of people actually believe in.

No? Just me? Not exactly surprising, I am a glass-half-full kind of gal.

I try, I try really hard to believe that the good will come. That this time it really will work out. That past experience doesn’t always perfectly predict what will be in the future.

But that cynical voice almost always overcomes me, and I sink into my stew of self pity and worry instead of searching for a way out of my own head.

This year has felt like a full-on sprint, one where I can’t ever seem to catch my breath and get my feet underneath me. It has been filled with incredible blessings, but it has also been really exhausting. Just when I think I can pause and take a minute to rest and reset, another task, another favor, another duty appears.

This has left me feeling very tired, and my tired mind is one that looooovvvvesss to play tricks on me. Someone once asked me if Tired Ellie was cranky, and although she can be, it’s usually more that my mind spins uncontrollably. And I cry, a lot. Which is super fun for all around me.

Due to the packed schedule mentioned above, the last few months have felt like a blur where all I did was question the thoughts in my own head. In that head space, my mind likes to poke and prod at everything I hold dear, including myself. In that atmosphere, I am always doing something wrong, thinking about something the wrong way, not making the right decision, or just plain wrong. My mind is constantly at war with itself, trying so desperately to fight against the mental attacks, leaving me even more drained than I already was.

Clearly, I have some coping skills and stress management I need to work on 😂 However, that is not the focus of the day’s blog. The focus, if we will recall, is hope.

Because, in the midst of this most recent swirl of worries, concerns, and attacks, a strong jab of fear appeared: Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like?

Right now, I have it pretty easy. I have no children, no one else to take care of but myself. And already there are times where I feel like I am drowning. What am I going to do when I have a spouse, a family, a gaggle of dogs, that depend on me? When I am always tired? How am I going to survive if I can’t do it now? Will the rest of my life just be me waging a battle against the invisible foes inside of my head?

Quickly, I began to have very little hope. I knew that should not be the case, as I had a Savior and Heavenly Father who loved me desperately, and who worked it all for my good. But at that moment, I could not feel Them, and I couldn’t really see past the fog that was consuming me.

I was trying, desperately, to cling to the hope I knew was there, that this season would end, that it would make me stronger, and that They would help me through whatever came my way, but those truths just didn’t seem to carry the weight they usually did.

And then, one morning, as I was out in the yard and trying not to let my thoughts consume me, I spotted this scene, and had to take a picture. Because it so perfectly captured my life, and what my life would be.

Yes, there were storms, some raging right as we spoke. They are powerful and overwhelming and can feel as if they will always be present. But it’s not true, it’s not the case. The storms do pass, and their is a truth woven into their dark clouds. The sun is always there, able to extend its rays towards us at any given moment. Both can be in the same image, and it is our choice what we focus on.

Hope is always there, and hope is also a choice. Easier said than done, especially coming from this cynic. However, I have noticed when I do manage to cling to that truth, when I remember that He really is always there, even if I can’t see or feel Him, and when I remember that the storm will pass, it really does make it easier to bear. Sometimes He can’t take the storm away, and that doesn’t mean He doesn’t love us. Storms are apart of life, and they can leave a lot of beauty in their wake.

I’m not sure if this was helpful to anyone, or just me. But I for sure needed the reminder that hope, though hard to grasp sometimes, is always worth the chase. Because knowing He is in this with me, that He has a plan in all of this, that He works even the hardest of trials for my good, is sometimes the only thing I have to go on. It is His hand extended towards me, and I’ve tried doing it without Him. Not smart.

So, I guess I pray you learn from my mistakes, and choose to see the hope in your dark times. Because it really is always there.