WHY I STAY

“I don’t want to go.”

Looking in the mirror, trying to coax my hair to do something that didn’t look like Hagrid from Harry Potter, those were the words looping through my brain.

“I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go to church today.”

Not because I didn’t believe. Not because it meant putting on a dress and slapping some makeup on my baby face. Not because it sometimes meant holding back tears as the hymns are sang.

I was just so tired. This was not lack of sleep talking. This is that type of exhaustion that is bone-deep. A weariness that makes even the simplest of tasks seem like a hundred-mile journey. I was just so tired, I didn’t know if I had it in me to go, to get dressed, to eat something green. Not engaging with life was the only thing that sounded appealing.

And yet, I went. Because I knew it was what would help most. And it did.

Now, sometimes when you somewhat force yourself into a task, knowing it is for your own good, it turns on you. You order the salad and it tastes like dog food. You take out the garbage only to have the bag explode all of your feet. You get up early to run and twist your ankle. Sometimes, it just feels like nothing is in your favor.

There are times you go to church and nothing miraculous happens.

This was not one of those times. This time, I felt my soul lift. This time, I knew He was with me, that He saw me. This time, I knew the talks and the lessons were crafted for me, and me alone.

And that, is why I stay.

Now, as with many of the posts that feel the most honest and real to me, I feel the need to write a disclaimer. This post was not written to oppose or fight back against the thoughts, opinions, or experiences of another. Some of my favorite people in this life no longer align themselves with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I would never want them to think that I was not supporting them and their choices, or undermining their experiences. Everyone has a different life path and a different story to share.

No, this blog is being written because of Him. At the beginning of the year, I decided I was going to do my very best to give this year to Him. And boy, has He come through. As such, I feel it my duty and my honor to share my testimony. Not because of anything anyone else is doing, but because of Him. Because of all He has done for me. And, because I want all to know of the love He has for them.

I have had a lot of moments in the past few years where I have truly felt I couldn’t pick myself back up again. Like all of us, life has kicked me in the teeth, leaving me battered and bruised and wondering where my Savior could possibly be. But through His power and very little strength of my own, I have chosen to stay, and I would like to share why.

I stay, because of the peace I felt when my grandpa died.

Anyone who has read even just the first couple pages of Reframed knows what my grandpa means to me. I was his girl. He was my biggest fan. The little girl spinning in her princess dress never once imagined Grandpa Jackson wouldn’t be there on her wedding day. His death should have been so much harder for me to take.

And it was. I miss him so much. However, the peace that came from knowing I would see him again? The comfort in knowing that because of temple covenants, we were sealed as a family forever? The example He gave us of what the Savior’s Atoment could do in a person’s life? It made that day a grounding one for me. I knew exactly where my Grandpa was. There was not a doubt in my mind. It made everything a whole lot more sweet than it was bitter.

I stay, because of the power my covenants give me.

Covenants are relationship builders we create with God, allowing Him to bestow more power on us, and allowing us to worship Him in even greater devotion. We make covenants at baptism and in the temple, and get to recommit ourselves to these covenants every week when we take the sacrament and every time we visit the temple.

I truly can feel the power these covenants give me. I can see His grace and hand in my life every week, witnessing that my rededication to Him was accepted and honored.

However, I must admit, the temple has not always been my favorite place to be. I found myself being more stressed inside it’s walls, than at peace, in the beginning. However, as I have continued to go, I’ve come to adore the temple. I long to be there, something I never thought I would say, because of the strength I can feel fueling me upon my departure. I need that extra aid. I need these continual reminders that the Lord is always with me.

I stay, because of where the Lord has taken my life while living inside the arms of the Gospel.

Never in a million years did I think I would be a writer. Not once. I thought I would follow the course of the rest of my family and enter the medical world. When that didn’t feel like the right step, I felt so lost, so alone, and like I was letting every single person around me down. My Savior, my Heavenly Father, and most definitely myself.

However, the Lord had a plan for me, all along. As I continued to try my best to draw closer to Him, He opened my eyes to some of the things He had in store for me. Leaps I never would have taken. Heights I never would have thought I could reach. Dreams that seemed possible. He taught me who He was, how He spoke to me, what He wanted for me, through Sunday School lessons, through service, through Girls Camps and FSYs (and EFYS, if you are old like me 😉) and Treks, through temple worship, through sacrament, and through the precious love of a Primary child.

This journey has not been anything like I expected it to be, but the Gospel of Jesus Christ has been my constant through it all. Using it as a tool, He has shaped me into a person I am proud of, and has gifted me a life that I believe makes Him proud.

I stay, because I have too many experiences that I cannot deny. I know this church is true.

There are truly too many moments to name. Reading The First Vision with a family on my mission, and feeling the truth and power that entered that room. Following a commandment that I thought was silly, only to recognize how much it protected me years down the road. Being asked to participate in callings that I felt completely inadequate for, only to find that they were just what I needed in that moment. Service opportunities that created quiet moments where I could feel my Savior speaking to me. Private moments of scripture study where I could not help but know this church is true.

There are countless more. My testimony is truly built on moments like this.

I stay, because this Gospel brings me to Him, again, and again, and again.

I mess up. I mess up often. And I struggle with perfection. And heartache, and trials, and sorrow. And sometimes I get so frustrated with it all. With feeling like I have no hope, that my life has no hope or no purpose, that I am suffering unnecessarily, that I just want to give up. To throw in the towel. To hole up in my room, and spend my days reading books and living off of potato chips. (As if I don’t already do that? 😉)

But then? I go to a youth activity, or a Primary activity, or Sunday School, and I remember that life is so, so good. That my Savior is real. That my Heavenly Father is real. That They have a plan for me. That They never once expected me to be perfect. That They are with me every step of the way. That They are proud of me. That where the world says I’m failing in all aspects of life, They say I’m beloved, divine, and right where I need to be.

In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have been taught by my Savior that I can be free. Free from the judgements of others. Free from the pain of mistakes. Free from the weight of hardships that will do their best to tie me down, because somehow, He really does work it all for my good. Here, I have felt Their love, and I have felt it wholly.

I stay, because without this Gospel, I don’t know where I’d be.

Life has been really hard for me, lately. It’s been really, really hard. And the only thing that has helped me to wade through the unwanted, and not completely crumble, is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It’s teachings and its doctrine and its service and its love have led me to Him.

I am an isolater. When things get difficult, I want to shut everyone and everything out. Just leave me alone to suffer. Christ won’t let me do that, though, because He loves me too much. He provided His Gospel so I would have support constany around me, through people on earth, He and the Father, and angels round about.

All my life, He has been gifting me the tools of His church, showing me how to make it through the storms of life. I might not do it gracefully, but with Him, and because of the relationship I have developed with Him, I do make it through. There is a light hiding behind the clouds, and it is Jesus Christ.

A lengthy essay could never sum up the many reasons why I stay. However, I feel like this is where He wants me to end it.

So, here we are. A few of the reasons why a silly, almost thirty-year-old from NM chooses to stay in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Not because I’m perfect, because my faith is never shaken, or because all of my questions are answered. No, I stay because this is where I find Him.