NO APOLOGIES

Does everyone feel this way about me?

Is that all I am to the people around me?

Just an almost-thirty-year-old who is:

Not married.

Still lives at home.

A mooch who is not even attempting to try and create a life that is her own?

I know that last one isn’t true, but in my quest to reaching that goal, am I:

Annoying people with my constant need to market my book?

Not putting in enough effort?

Unable to look at things through realistic eyes?

Ignoring what the Lord really wants for me?

After a rough couple of months, culminating in a weekend that will go down in history as the worst weekend ever, these questions were keeping me up late into the night.

Is this who I really was?

Were these the facts of life that defined me?

Would I ever be able to shed them?

After limping through a few days that followed the aforementioned weekend, I was not feeling at all better about myself. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt so small before, like such a failure, or that all my hard work and efforts added no significant value to the world.

Was I just existing? And maybe not just existing, but perhaps was I actually a burden to those around me?

Stuck in that rut, I called one of the best people you can call when life has ground you into dust. My grandmother. Grandma’s hands are some of the safest places to hold your tears. It’s just a fact of life.

After explaining my woes to her, my grandma went into what can only be called a dissertation. The subject? Ellie’s Accomplishments.

When she stacked them all up like that, (Something my mother had done before her. Just feel the need to give credit where credit is due) I couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride. It was grandma-biased-and-tinted pride, but pride nonetheless.

But then, she gave me one of those gems of wisdom that grandma’s always seem to keep on them. One that has been literally carrying me for the past few weeks.

“You don’t have to apologize for your life, Ellie.”

Yeah, that one nailed me pretty good. Tears stung my eyes, emotion clogged my throat, the whole gambit. It felt so, so good to be seen.

And as I sat on her words longer, I realized the power they contained.

My grandma was right! I did not need to apologize for my life. And why could I trust those words far more than her retelling of my greatest highlights? Because though those we love sometimes see us with the rosiest of rose colored glasses, they also see us. They know the real us.

My grandmother knows me. Like most grandmas, she is one of the people on this planet who knows me best, in fact. And she knows I am doing my very best to do what He would have me do.

That catchphrase for my life was not said in a, “you are perfect as you are”, or, “never change”, kind of way. No, it was stated as a, “You are trying. He is aware of you. That is all you need to do”, declaration.

I don’t need to apologize for my life, because this is the life He has given me at the moment. A life I kind of really like. So, if He approved, I approved, and the people who really knew me approved, what else did I need to worry about?

Nothing.

So, from here on out, I am living my life with no apologies.

I’m single, almost thirty, content about where I am, but doing my best to be open to what might come next. If we’re honest, I’m really scared for what a new phase of life might bring, but I’m doing my best to prepare for it in any way I can. And I’m not sorry 😉

I still live at home, but it is a home that I contribute to. I pray regularly to know whether it is time to move on, but each time I do, the answer is no 🤷‍♀️ I’m serving in callings I love at church, and I kind of feel like those callings need me right now. And I’m not sorry 😉

I’m an independent author, one who was astounded and in complete awe of the support she received for her very first book. Seriously, you guys made this first book launch better than any of my wildest dreams. From the parties, the requests for signatures, the actual reading of the book, alerting me to your favorite lines or characters, all of it! I’m so, so grateful.

I feel like this is one of the things I was put on this earth to do, and am so thankful for the people who support me and my pursuits. With people like you behind me, I will continue happily down this writer journey, even if it never allows me to become a great, American author. And I’m not sorry 😉

And also, I worked really hard on it 😂 Reframed is literally five years of blood, sweat, and all the tears coming to fruition. That thing is my baby! A baby I will continue to promote and be proud of without being embarrassed. And I’m not sorry 😉

I’m a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This gospel is everything to me. Through it, I have found Christ, who is my foundation in the storms, my balm in the pain, my hope in the future, my joy in the present, and my peace in the unknown. I owe all I have to my Savior and His gospel, and I will do my best to proclaim what I know as often as I can. And I’m not sorry 😉

Thank you, Grandma, for that incredible advice. It was just what I needed.

That felt really good, guys. And I’m not sorry 😉