WORTH MY TIME
“And, you feel that’s been a good use of your time?”
(Side note: Before we dive fully into today’s blog post, I feel the need to state what I know. I know the question you just read was offered to me out of care and concern. I truly do understand, and take that into account.
However, just because care and concern are the emotions guiding our actions, that doesn’t mean those goals are always what are achieved. Everyone has room to grow, most definitely me! Perhaps we all should think a little more before we speak 😉
That is all! Continue on!)
Dumbfounded. Gobsmacked. Shocked.
Those are the words that come to mind when I remember my initial response to the above-mentioned question. I was truly stunned to find that someone, who I’d met only briefly once before, contained the boldness inside their person to ask me if it had been worth my time. If it had been a good use of my time to pursue writing.
Somehow, beneath the flaming heat of embarrassed and hurt on my cheeks, my voice managed to crack open my lips, allowing a startled chuckle, and a response, to emerge. “I think so.”
Unfortunately, this somewhat audacious remark hit on a day that was already hard, causing me to question the validity of the question, and my response to it. Did I really believe that? Did I really believe that the six years plus of tears, hard work, rejection, and dedication had been worth it?
Crying by myself as I cleaned the bathroom mirror in the days that followed, I couldn’t be sure. So, I called in for backup in the best form it comes in: A grandma.
We all need someone who feels we can do no wrong, and my Grandma J is that person for me. We also need people who help keep our feet anchored to the ground, but, that is not the mindset I required that day. That day, I need to be bolstered. And boy, did my grandma deliver.
After recklessly comparing me to both Jane Austen and William Shakespeare, and ensuring me that my brave actions of self-publishing my books had indeed been, “perfect”, Grandma J and I came up with the best revenge plot.
I’ve often joked that the people in my life can either end up with a book dedication, or fulfill the role of a villain in my novels, but in this case, a combo role seemed like the best selection. Together, Grandma J and I came up with a dedication that, personally, I felt had a really nice ring to it:
To the person who asked me if
I felt pursuing writing was a
good use of my time.
Best Selling Author has a nice ring to it,
don’t you think?
I can’t lie, it felt really good to type out those words 😉 However, as I’ve sat with the possibility of this delicious form of retaliation, it became clear I would never have the gutsy genes needed to actually follow through. For two reasons:
It doesn’t exactly feel like the most Christlike response 😂
I really, really do know that the intention behind the inquiry was to look out for my well-being and future.
It feels like it is feeding directly into this person’s opinion of what it means for something to be, “worth my time”. Or, what I assume this persons opinion is of that particular subject.
Is that the only thing that makes my writing career a worthwhile pursuit? Money?
Don’t get me wrong, I would like to be able to make a living off of writing 😂 And, I actually do believe that such a dream will be achieved someday. I have a rare, uncharacteristic well of hope, one that actively feeds my faith that my consistency and courage is going to pay off someday.
However, the Lord has taught me, time and time again, that the waiting period is just as important, if not more so, than the destination. He has proven to me often that He thrives in the moments where it seems like nothing is going our way, or even that a dream might have run its course, and may no longer be worthy of the effort.
My writing journey might not yet have produced the outcomes others would have expected, or use to give it weight and value, but to me, the Lord has used it to reward me a thousand times over.
Because of writing, my perfectionistic tendencies have reduced significantly. Where before, the thought of sending anything out into the world that was less than perfect would have been my worst nightmare come to pass, I have now lived through said worst nightmare, and survived 😂
No matter what I do, my books will never be perfect, and there is something really freeing in that. There is something incredibly grounding when you find a typo in a book you have already published, and that fact no longer brings you to your knees. Instead, I can breathe, feel proud of what I have accomplished, and allow the Lord to release me from the notion that I can and need to be perfect in all that I do.
Writing has allowed me to connect with others. Do you know how cool it is to have someone say, “I saw myself in your book”, or, “The way you presented this hardship really helped me”, or, “Chet is my favorite character!”, or lastly, “I’ve read your book three times”.
Dumbstruck, gobsmacked, and shocked are again the words that come to mind, but with a totally different driving force behind them. It is an indescribable feeling to know that someone relates to you on that level of connection, one where they love your characters and the world you created the way you do. It was a blessing I did not see coming, and one I hope I never get used to receiving.
Writing gave me a confidence I did not possess before. Not because I am the next Jane Austen, as my grandma, with her rose-colored vision, declared, but because I know I am doing what the Lord would have me do. I know He and I are on this path together, writing these stories together.
When I first decided to take this leap of faith into the unknown, I was terrified that I was failing both Him, and everyone I loved. I thought I was foolishly going against all of their wishes, and that my Savior and Heavenly Father might even be mad at me for attempting to walk down a road that had very little chance of success.
But, I don’t know, I guess there was this little voice inside of me that told me I had to try. I now know that voice was the voice of the Spirit, and by choosing to listen to it six years ago, I have become better and better at listening to it in the years that have followed. I have confidence in myself, my decisions, my ability to recognize His counsel, and my relationship with Him, and much of that quiet reassurance has come from writing.
To the world, these fruits of my journey might not seem like much, or anything, of value. They are definitely not the goals I had hoped to achieve when I typed out my first word in my first book. However, like most things the Lord gives us, even the trials, I wouldn’t give up these gifts from Him for anything.
So, do I feel that writing has been a good use of the past six years? Has it been worth it?
Yes. Completely and totally, yes.
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