SEEKING HIS VOICE

“What is your deepest fear?”

In response to one of my girl’s Twenty Question petitions (a road trip staple, in my opinion), I inquired, “Are we talking silly deepest fears, or true deepest fears?”

“True deepest fears.” She replied, her face solemn and serious.

Yikes. That’s a lot for 7:35 in the morning. Especially since I knew my answer to that question the minute it was posed, but was not sure it was something I should be sharing with my bright-eyed, innocent Young Women.

Allowing everyone else to repsond to the inquiry first, I wracked and wracked and wracked my brain, but still could not think of a different answer than the one that was the truest. So, donning a forced smile, in a foolish attempt to soften the blow, I declared warily, “Marriage.”

With wide eyes, the young woman in the passenger seat turned to face me, and repeated my answer back to me. But with less worry, and more shock, in her voice. “Marriage?”

Praying I hadn’t scarred her, or her counterpart in the backseat, for life, I once again forged ahead with the truth. “Yup. Marriage.”

Without a doubt, marriage is my greatest fear. I’m not sure if it is because I’ve been single for so long, that adding another person into my life doesn’t quite seem worth the complications. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve watched many of the relationships I admired fall apart. I’m not sure if it’s because of my own past experiences with heartache. It could be my deep-rooted trust issues. (It’s that. It’s the trust issues. I lied, I am sure.)

Honestly, it’s probably a combination. And, unfortunately, the baseline fear comes coupled with another terror lurking behind the corner:

How do I get over that fear?

No idea. Honestly, it feels a little impossible to me right now, the thought of ever becoming capable of letting someone in like that.

However, I know that it is a mountain I need to climb, and will climb, with the Lord’s help. That, is something I felt the need to reassure both of my Young Women, and all of you of. I know marriage and family are a part of God’s plan. I know they are some of the few things in this life that can bring one the purest form of joy. I know this is something the Lord wants for me, and because I trust Him, I know it is something I will eventually want for me.

I promise, I’m not trying to push it away. Rather, I’m working through my concerns, and searching for a way, through Him, to get to the other side of it. I don’t know how to do it, but luckily, He does. I don’t have to figure it out. He’s got my back, and I’m so grateful for the trials that have helped to assure me of that. The hardships where He has helped me to choose Him, to choose a relationship with Him. It helped then, and it helps me now.

Because, guess what? Along with compounded fear, my lack of a marriage tends to bring about lots of opinions from others. Loving opinions, but in all transparency? Ones that kind of hurt.

Sometimes, with some people in my life, it seems that no matter what I do, it will never be enough. No matter how hard I try to be a follower of Christ, a loving leader to the girls I adore, a good sister, daughter, and friend, despite the fact that I’ve published two books, and am continuing to chase that dream even on the days it is super hard, in spite of how much I try to measure up to the standards they have set before me, it is never enough. Never. Why?

Because I’m not married.

My value, my worth, my potential? Sometimes it feels like all of that can somehow be boiled down to whether or not I have ring on my finger.

Now, again, I want to reiterate that I believe that these opinions come from a place of love, but they are truly starting to wear on me. It stings, to hear that people don’t trust your relationship with the Lord, at least not enough to hear His guidance on the subject. It smacks, to have it insinuated that at thirty years old, you no longer have the right to be picky. It aches, to hear your situation compared with that of another, and it then made abundantly clear that in this aspect, and subsequently, all aspects, you are lacking.

Especially when you are so, so afraid. Especially when you are trying so, so hard. And especially when you do not know what to do.

However, in contrast to the voices of others, and the scaries in my own head, there is another sound, soft but true, that brings comfort to my soul.

The words of my Savior. The truth He speaks to me. The peace He settles over my worries. The hope He plants in my heart.

Over all of the noise, I am desperately attempting to hold fast and seek out His opinion on the matter, and when I do, all I feel is this:

Love. Pure love. The love of my Savior.

He knows all. He has a full view of the picture. He is aware of my concerns, He understands and respects them, while also quietly reminding me that there will come a time when I do need to be brave and take a step forward. He assures me that when that time comes, He will help me. He will strengthen me, encourage me, guide me. He will never leave me alone. We are in this together. He is not worried over the outcome, and I shouldn’t worry either.

To Him, I will be enough then, but I am also enough now. Even if I have a long way to go on this journey called life.

In clouds of doubt, uncertainty, confusion, and the thoughts of others, His voice breaks through. And oh, how grateful I am for it. How grateful am I for Him, for His sacrifice, for His guidance, for His love, for His strength, and for the knowledge He will work it all for my good.

I am still afraid, I am still a little wounded and broken, but I know through Him, the best is yet to come. Including marriage.

I hope, with all of my heart, that I made that clear to my Young Women that day, and to anyone I come in contact with. I hope I have made it clear that I trust Him. Completely.